Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
