I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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