my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
