He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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