I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
