with your own penis?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
