I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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