she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and she was petting her beer can
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
