1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
