One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
