I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
