I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
