my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
