woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
