i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
