At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
