How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
