I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
