i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
