Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
