I think my vagina is haunted
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
