Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
