what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
