Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i wish my penis had a tongue
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
