people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
