my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
