I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
