are you still at the devil's house?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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