If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
