Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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