Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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