Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Someone came in the potted fern
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
