Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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