what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
