I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
