stop calling my apartment porn island.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
