wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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