I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
