cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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