no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
