I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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