you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
