does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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