she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
