On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no, he came in my armpit
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
