I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
