you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
