your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
