Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
