If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
worst night to have a conscience
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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