youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
