Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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