i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
