Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
