Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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